


To Cross Lines

by woofbebe



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, dense hyunwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:58:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woofbebe/pseuds/woofbebe
Summary: He loves his everything, but he hates to miss them.Not like this, when the man won't even look at him in the eye nor talk to him.Not when he feels so wrong, guilt eating his heart every morning and in the wake of night.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best piece, but I know some people are suckers for unrequited love fics and such, so who knows? hahaha  
> This was actually made to kind of.. vent my uneasiness two days ago. I tried to write angst, but IDK la this came out haha  
> PS: Sorry only fast beta-ed, me still haven't watched Monsta X Ray ep 3 oTL

 

It was his smile. His dimples showing everytime, burying his usually emotionless face.

It was his back. So broad that it gives him the feeling of security.

It was his eyes. Those orbs that shines beautifully everytime he looked at him, washing his heart with a soothing wave.

It was his warmth.

His home in the end of the day.

 

Minhyuk always missed his everything. It never mattered that he had just witnessed or received them the previous minute or even second, but it was addicting. He lived for it.

At first he was just glad for the attention, relishing in the calming connection when the others just ignored him most of the time. Then it became something he tended to look forward to once every few days, the long hours felt kind of lacking without them.

But then it became too much, and the lack of it caused him to be restless.

In the beginning, he noticed it when somewhere deep down he felt something akin to itchiness when the smile was directed to someone else. Then when another arm was on his back. But then again Minhyuk was always somehow restless, so he just ignored the questionable feeling in the first few months.

After the first half of the year though, he decided that he needed to put a name to it. Whatever _it_ was. He is already used to feeling ‘restless’, but for some reason this restlessness just wouldn’t sit well with him. It messed his insides, making him not able to properly eat, dance, or even talk when it surged. He didn’t like it. He needed to know what _it_ was.

 

Not too long, he realized it was jealousy.

The word felt odd in his mind. It was definitely not the first time he experienced it. He had lots of crushes back in high school, and even fell hard for few, but this? This didn’t feel right. Falling for their leader didn’t feel right.

It wasn’t that he was surprised, really. The man was kind of his type, anyway. It’s just that, he already looked up to him since the first time he met him, back to their trainee days. He was a calming presence, to him if not to all he was friends with. He was their rock, and his reliable composure yet warm and soothing actions brought a sense of security to their hearts.

It’s not right.

He was meant to respect him. He was meant to see him as a man.

He was meant to love him like brothers do.

Not like this.

He never asked for the heartbeat that went way too fast everytime the leader was close. He never asked for the heat in his head everytime the leader being affectionate to the other members. He never asked for the uneasiness that came everytime the leader didn’t react to him.

Why did his feelings decide that it was okay to ruin things? Again and again?

This was a great thing they have. A balanced dynamic. There was no other words that could define what the group –finally- had. _Warmth_. They finally managed to accept each other with not only open arms, but also to finally see each other as an actual family. Great, wasn’t it? No Mercy finally ended, they debuted already, and they learned about each other better. What they had come to now was the best kind of family any team could ask for.

Yeah, _great._ Except now his feelings were about to ruin things. All over again.

It was no secret that Minhyuk could be very emotional. He did it all the time. He cried here and there, shouting his feelings out from time to time. Not too bad a thing, really. Being emotional wasn’t really the thing that he disliked from himself. It was rather, what would come out of it.

Everyone spouted out things when they’re emotional. Nonsensical things, funny things, stupid things; everything. But they tended to blurt out bad ones too. Really bad ones. And as much as later in time people somehow simultaneously deemed it was okay to blame the emotions as the cliche excuse, what was said, was said. It was as true as much as anything else. The venom would hold some truth; the raw, unfiltered thoughts. What was deemed momentary, was forgotten that it was irreversible and would forever stay in time. They would spout the ugly truth, at least for that moment alone. But that’s what mattered, wasn’t it?

He once did it to Changkyun, back when he first met him. Everyone did, actually, and gradually people deem the circumstances was at fault. That the show was at fault.

But did it make it justifiable? It was understandable, yes; but justifiable? His clear mind would say no, definitely no. But his mind wasn’t clear back then, neither were the others’.

Their heart were fogged with poison, and they blocked any ounce of goodwill and honesty offered by the poor kid. He would cried  by himself in secret at night, and all the hyungs would only keep quiet and roll their eyes had they accidentally seen it, pretending to not witness a thing. It left the boy wounded, deep down; something that all the other members still tried to heal almost desperately up until now. The topic rarely arose, but it went unspoken that each member felt really bad about what they did, up to the point that they felt like beating their own selves and each other for it; for how they made the sweet maknae suffered, how they all tortured him. It had messed the team’s dynamics real bad, and it felt like they had been held hostage by an unknown suffocating feeling rather than like they had won their chances to debut.

In the end, everyone agreed that they despised it, that they never wanted for such a thing to happen again, thus vowing to each other to resolve problems and bad bloods as soon as such occured. Personally, Minhyuk made himself a note to not lose himself to the toxic emotions again, giving it a big emphasis considering how sentimental and emotional he is, the words displayed on capital and bold letters. Such traits are one hell of a double-edged sword, he learned. As much stabbing words and hatred he spouted out, that much too he would regret later knowing the pain he caused in the place of the subject.

 

He hated it. To lose control of himself. To regret things later. It was the main reason why he always tried to keep his feelings in check. He didn’t like worrying over what his actions had caused or would cause. He didn’t like questioning himself how the other party actually felt, no matter how much they themselves already told him had things ensue. He didn’t like the feeling of something _breaking_ ; that it was something beyond repair, just like the irreversibility of time.

He cursed, and cursed, and cursed. That was what he kept on doing for the past few months. Their schedules were tiring him out. His feelings. His thoughts.

And soon what he dreaded just fell into place, as if mocking his self control. Some members got too close to his subject of affection on today’s photo shoot, and it just happened that he hadn’t been able to spend time much with Hyunwoo that month. He shouted at them, pointing out their wandering arms, hands, eyes,all too much. It was already too late to conceal the jealousy, he realized as it dawned on him how he overreacted. He gulped.

There was silence.

The members at first didn’t realize where he’s coming from; the contacts were all casual, really. But soon the more observant half let out looks of comprehension, and the other half soon too caught on in a minute. Including Hyunwoo, who glanced back at him in disbelief.

_It’s not supposed to be like this._

He was supposed to be his reliable junior. That was what he imagined himself being ever since No Mercy. He was his dear _hyung_ , someone he deeply adored, personality and talents all in one. What they had was pure, innocent –precious-; and he took pride in that. He was supposed to support him, to help him keep the team’s dynamics. He had earned his trust, so why did time decided to break it?

_No._

_No, no, no, no. NO._

His eyes stung. The heat resonating through to his mind, making him even more uneasy. He started to feel tears glazing eyes, as he too started to panic.

No, he couldn’t cry now, could he? That would only confirmed their suspicion, if it hadn’t been confirmed already, that was.

He then saw the leader rub the back of his neck, trying to feign nonchalance but failing, showing his discomfort at the topic.

Minhyuk could hear his heart shattering. His mind ramming through hundreds of images; of his time with Hyunwoo, and of the future with no Hyunwoo. It was running hundreds of scenarios of Hyunwoo leaving him; leaving his side before he could even beg him to stay. The images were rushing here and there in a blur, but the voices were deafening; he almost couldn’t take it.

It’s not like he could say his protest, though, so he just tried to brush it off with a poorly made joke and a broken grin that couldn’t fool even Jooheon.

\--

 

It had been more than a week since Minhyuk’s outburst, and Hyunwoo still ignored him.

Minhyuk would try to feign his nonchalance, giving his tough-man look everytime he realized Hyunwoo still wouldn’t talk to him. He felt like he had no choice; who was he to force Hyunwoo to like him? His personality was always too messed up; he was loud but also sensitive to a fault. It was no one’s fault if they don’t like how he was. It wasn’t like their leader was being particularly rude to him; he wasn’t. It was just that the distinctive familiarity and warmth that usually were reserved for only Minhyuk weren’t there anymore.

It was sickening. He missed it; he missed it so bad. His warmth, his touch, his smile, his eyes; everything that just a while back was all for him to hog, now was nowhere to be seen. He still could deal with those though, altering his share of clinginess towards Hyunwoo to the other members; Hoseok getting most of it and Jooheon not far behind on second place. It was the guilt that ruined him. He hated how he kept feeling guilty for his own feelings; how he felt the need to reprimand himself for missing the leader. How he felt disgusted at himself just for feeling empty every morning and restless at night due to the lack of anything and everything from the man.

 _It’s not right,_ he would tell himself.

_You should stop, Minhyuk._

Yeah, if only he knew how. But even as all day all night he shouted at himself of how Hyunwoo’s response should be enough for him to be ashamed of himself and stop, not a thing came to mind. Instead, the more he thought of the matter, the more he craved Hyunwoo’s presence. At some point he didn’t even care if Hyunwoo was just going to nag or shout at him, or if he’s just going to be angry at him. He _needed_ him.

Sadly, that’s not what happened as the leader just kept avoiding contacts with him, he resigned mournfully. He didn’t even get angry at his antics, ignoring whatever he did. His head hung low as he entered the van, opting to sit beside Hoseok and hiding behind his shoulders from Hyunwoo across their seat. Not that it was even necessary, though. The man barely look his way despite the cramped space of the vehicle. The helplessness sank down Minhyuk’s heart, as he couldn’t get a single clue on how he could hear his voice again, or find the leader’s eyes back on his. He could feel tears pricked his eyes as he rest his chin on top of his palm, looking out the window. He always liked sunny days, but somehow he didn’t mind that the sky was filled with dark clouds that day, drops of rain soon started pouring, streaming down the window.

 

_I miss you, Hyunwoo._

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...On my defense, Shownu was just being his dense, awkward self. And hey, at least the others comforted him? Especially Hoseok *wiggle brows*, that man really can't handle seeing the pup sad. Kudos maybe if you like it, and hey I love it when reader comments ='D


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